Sow Tomorrow’s Teats

The titular issue…

Special contributor Doc Harry, chairman of SSNAP, has stopped by to share his latest theories regarding human evolution and frankly we're all ears! 

(Disclaimer: SSNAP is a financial sponsor of Tooky’s Mag LLC. Publication is not an endorsement and the staff of Tooky's Mag are in no way liable for the results of any failed star-child breeding experiments.)

Enjoy!

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Sow Tomorrow’s Teats

The field of nipple phrenology is a tragically maligned one. Academia's appetites vacillate between crude racial polemics and horse-blinders when any discussion of phenotypic significances arise, but The Society for the Study of Nipple and Areola Phrenology (SSNAP) exists as a solitary voice, a clarion call, for open debate on alternative methods of human behavior modeling. 

Our better funded rivals in academia lack the boldness to suckle unrestrainedly at the proffered breast of Knowledge, draining her to the diabolical depths she commands for our own well-being. Open wide, incredulous reader, for what comes next is more than the meager mouthful of understanding granted to you by genetic theory. 

Genesis

People (even my landlady) often pose the hypothetical question: 'Which came first, the chicken or the egg?' A ridiculous proposition, for how could a product exist without the prerequisite biophysical structure to nurture it? So let me pose to you the more critical question:

Which came first — the babe or the teat?

The teat of course! The contrary would imply there were bare assed babies running about the saber-toothed horrors of some Hobbesian prehistoric wilderness with nary a sippable nipple in sight! This unhinged theory (the Null-Udder Hypothesis) is inadvertently presumed by the mainstream.

The fact that nipple formation is a genesis-point for all human development bears a great many implications, especially in regards to where humans evolved and which ur-races of man persist. Against all odds, the beginnings of these answers are now being unveiled by our research.

A Crisis!

Genetics fetishists construct their flawed model of the peopling of the Earth on the sand foundation of DNA evidence. They turn deaf ears to critiques of their model's presumed linearity of key gendered markers. 

Take the mitochondrial line which is donated to each foetus maternally and could be completely wiped from genetic tracking by a female bearing all male offspring. The risk of corruption is even greater for male markers which are not so neatly ensconced in an organelle. A single unfortunate instance of cuckoldry or rape could introduce instances of microchimerism, the effects of which have not at all been conclusively studied.

But these academics slither away to their ivory towers rather than face the facts. And if there is one thing archeology continues to uncover it is that rape was more common than most modern thinkers can fantasize, much less comprehend. Take for example the golden phallus sheath uncovered at the Varna Necropolis (~4,600 BC) — clearly a support crutch for an aging rapist. If this material culture composed of gold survived then we must assume that a broader roster of more ubiquitous (yet decay prone) cock-props of sheep-hide (Terramare culture), reed (Egyptian/Kush), and horn (Nuragic) must have been present.

And this of course only covers the male led instances of rape — consider the female capacity to force sex on a male who is perhaps smaller and reliant on her for a housing lease! Based on evidence collected by SNAPP this is not at all an insignificant concern, particularly in the presence of the ubiquitous stimulants of civilization (artificial lighting, alcohol, non-profit holiday parties).

Our only recourse is to turn to nipple phrenology as a means of determining heritage and model intellectual, athletic, and criminal outcomes rather than any antiquated theory of race.

Applied Phrenology: Principle Areola Archetypes

Through voluntary medical assessments (and analysis of ancient art) I have identified three archetypes of teat, each having originated from an antediluvian period of separation into subterranean, terrestrial, and stratosian peoples. Natural selection then pressured our tits into divergent evolutionary twist. 

*Note: This study was conducted solely on males, females being unreliable due to hormonal fluctuations, fertilization (consensually), and lactation which causes variance in key indicators.

The markers are too many to detail here but are available in SNAPP's literature and include width, ridging, sheen, stiffness, and length. At the most elementary level I have identified an Agarthan people (shoe leather textured), Hyperboreans (ephemeral edges, pale as fjord fog), and Denisovics (small, bold, firm tipped). Unless you are a rare specimen indeed, you belong to one of these lost tribes — self knowledge that orthodox academia has denied you.

Homo Inspiratus

We can never outcompete the geneticists in funding. What we need is a swell (an engorgement, if you will) of manpower. I conclude this missive with a call to action — to battle — for you to use the miracle of email to send your phenotypic data to the Tooky’s Mag editorial board which has kindly agreed to catalog and forward all submissions to SNAPP. Include the following:

• Left nipple portrait taken in the sunlight of a vernal day at a distance of 10 inches (25 centimeters)

• Your father's occupation

• Criminal history (regardless of prosecution), specifically quantify the frequency of rapes you may have attempted or been subject to by larger females

I thank you in advance for your support and any tax-deductible contributions made towards SNAPP. This data will be a crucial first step in establishing future matching (breeding) programs capable of reinvigorating our ur-racial bloodlines into peoples capable of surviving what lies ahead.

Wise reader, we have been robbed of our past but let us now look forward now with our chests out and eyes open to the wisdom upon them.